Saturday, February 8, 2014

Those were the days my friend we thought would never end

 Friday's outfit…. I was going to wear a blog outfit but decided why not… There was a bit of rain (really hardly any) but a drop of rain is good enough excuse to wear my rain boots so here they go.

The inspiration from Bee (Atlantic Pacific):

I feel this came out great together. Hunter green combined with red plaid coat and boots is predictable but adding a blue button down makes it very unique...

 My son liked this necklace cause it was a 'T' in the middle which is his initial!

My latest ring combo. Amazingly I can soap my hands and keep them all on without them feeling wet afterwards. This set is a keeper… Pointer and ring finger rings are Bauble Bar, the midi and the bow ring are from Forever 21.

Coat - Old Navy
Blouse - Express
Pants - Bebe
Boots - Henri Breandel
Necklace - Ann Taylor LOFT
Rings - Bauble bar & Forever 21

My mom had my daughter and my husband was soo nice to let me sleep in the morning an extra hour and took my son to school I went to bed around 1 AM the night before working on pulling old photos for my Dad's ceremony slide show. I got up and got dressed and headed to my Dad's house to be with my family that has arrived. My brother, my aunt, my sister in law and nephew and of course my cousin who has never left my side. We worked on photos for a little longer than headed to the ceremony room at the library to check it out and get training on the audio. The room is perfect and it is exactly what my dad would have liked. we then went back home to work more on photos and slide show plan for the food. THen picked up my son from school. Took him out for frozen yogurt. Stopped at the library and at my friend's house and came home for a quick stop to change him in his swim gear and my mom brought my daughter then took him to his swim team practice and back at home for dinner. We were hoping the family would come but they were all jet lagged so it was a quite night at home. I spent the whole night listening to songs for the slide show and just reminiscing...

Friday, February 7, 2014

See him when I close my eyes

 I don't even know what day I wore this. The week is a blur. 

The inspiration though came from Sept 2013 catalog of J Crew:

 I decided to create this mixing deep red with bordeaux but decided to go mustard on the top. Not quite sure if it worked. Honestly, I am kind of going through the motions when getting dressed these days so it didn't matter.

Cap, Pants, Necklace - J Crew
Top, Jacket - Forever 21
Booties - Steve Madden

Days are a blur this week…
I was doing OK but then as the days go the grief sets in more. There are days I pretty much shed tears throughout the whole day. Everything reminds me of my dad. Everything is a trigger. I hide behind my large sunglasses but the kids are no dummy. Then there are the nights where I lay with wide open eyes staring at the ceiling.  Barely falling sleep when the sun is coming up making me feel ridiculously exhausted when I have to wake up early.
So, I am pretty much getting dressed every other day or every 2 days. Plus we are working like crazy for the past week going through old photos pulling favorites for a big slide show for my dad's 'celebration of life' service this Sunday. Of course looking at photos are the all time trigger. But it is smiles and tears and this vast feeling of gratefulness for all those things we did together.

I do our regular routine with the kids every other day. My wonderful mom and step dad fill in in between. My mom having lost a dad herself gets me 100% which is such a comfort….

On a lighter note, my daughter took the preschool class puppet: 'Winnie' home this week….

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Wild at heart

Today's combo was inspired by the Loft Ad in December 2013 issue of Glamour Magazine:

I could have gone cream on cream but last minute I added color. In all honesty not much thought went into it as I can't really think straight. One minute I care about stuff and the next I just give up. One minute I feel normal like everything is the same and the next minute I realize nothing will ever be the same and this vast sadness takes over. Everyone tells me it will be a long time and I expect that. It is just overwhelming…

 I had two people inquire about the midi ring today which is from Forever 21 while the ring in the middle finger is from tiffany's. Go figure...

Scarf - J Crew
Sweater, Pants - Forever 21
Boots - Shoedazzle
Bracelets - Cookie Lee
Rings - F21 & Tiffany's

My wild princess turned 5 on MONDAY!
So we started the morning watching Tangled all cuddled up. This little girl loves to snuggle up. Super tight the whole movie. It was probably the best medicine for my sadness.
Then we got dressed. She only agreed on this outfit with the condition that we will go buy her a new birthday dress to wear tonight… We shopped at Target for a dress and she also got to try out and pick two swim suits. She loves going to the dressing room and try on swim suits…

We then picked up my son from a playdate and took him swimming then went direct to Corvette's diner for a birthday dinner with family...

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Letting Him Go!

1946 - 2014

I lost my dad last night (Feb 1st 2014) at 8:35 PM…
Grief surrounds me right now…

I didn't grow up with my dad and shared only a few childhood memories I can recollect. But my Grandpa believed in never turning your back to a parent and brought us together when I decided to move to United States.

So my dad and I started building a new relationship when I became an adult. It was slow and awkward at first but we didn't give up. When my mother moved back to Turkey to take care of my sick grandmother my dad became the only parent that was close by. I started relying on him for so much more.

He welcomed my need for advice and support with open arms and went above and beyond to make up for the years we had lost.
He saw me through a divorce, heart ache, deciding on very tough life decisions. That was a turning point for us because I told him things I thought a daughter could never tell to a father. And he handled it so well. He made me see beyond emotion and make sound decisions.

When my sister moved to United States to live with me he opened his arms to her too and welcomed her to our lives. We spent so many holidays together.

And of course once I gave birth to my son He was overjoyed with his first grandchild. We haven't spent a holiday apart since then. We turned every thing into an excuse to get together as a huge family. Christmas's and New Year's, Thanksgivings, Easters, Halloweens, St. Patrick's days, Fathers and Mothers days. Every holiday portrayed a big happy family photo.

When he got diagnosed with prostate cancer which had metastased into his bones he was given an average of 3 years. It was devastating. But my dad decided to fight this with all his might. He read every book and article on his type of cancer. Joined support groups and seeked speciality Drs that were not covered by his insurance. He tried all sorts of holistic diets and treatments as well as any and every experimental drug that was approved or not approved. Every time a therapy/drug stopped working he would switch to the next one. He went through every type of chemo therapy. He stopped eating sugar, red meet and alcohol. He was already a fitness fanatic but he started working out even more. Playing his sport of passion tennis 3-4 times a week. He started traveling more. He wouldn't tell his friends and co-workers for a very long time cause he never wanted pity or people feeling sorry for him. He didn't want others talking about his disease only about cures.
He endured so much of his pain cause he didn't want to be addicted to pain killers.

After he retired he never said 'no' to an invitation. I started inviting him to every single field trip, class activity my kids had. He would note it on his calendar from months ahead and come to every single event. Even these last months where he spent most of his time in bed in agonizing pain he would double up on pain meds and take a 5 hour energy shot and come with us if we had an event.

When he lost so much weight and weighed less than I do, he tried to eat. I would set up 5 course meals in front of him and he would eat it slowly but surely.
And when he became bedridden than later in a coma state he still fought until his last breath.
And now we will remember him through our memories….

To my Dad 
Who was sooo smart, up beat and positive and fun...
who lived for Tennis,
Was a health nut and so fit and in shape
was the proudest Dad ever especially of my genius brother,
a loving devoted grandfather who never missed the opportunity to play with the kids,
always asked for kisses in return for anything.
Loved to kiss us in the neck
Loved taking photos and his photo taken with family.
Loved those extreme close up photos where every pore in your face showed
Always had a big smile
Loved to shop from Costco and would criticize if you did not shop there and over paid…
Dressed solely in 'West Point' and 'Harvard' clothing.
Never threw anything out. The most organized rat pack I know.
Never rang our door bell but always knocked and would call out 'oglum' which means 'son' to get my son's attention…
Would frequently ask me if I took my blog photos today and if I wanted him to take them?
Constantly told me how I never looked my age and that he wasn't telling me because I was his daughter.
Told my husband 'he was the one'.
Would look at my daughter and say 'you guys are in trouble' because she is too wild and beautiful.
Whenever we asked for something he would say 'Kac opucuk vericeksin?' which means 'how many kisses will you give?'

I love you with all my heart dad and I will always kiss you in my dreams….

These are all from the last year of 2013….

Rest in peace Baba'cim!